Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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