What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
