i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
