the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
try to milk me bitch
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