tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
