I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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