wrigley field is MILF paradise
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You smell like stripper and shame
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
