Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
