I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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