Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Randomize
