We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
