He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
