there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
