remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
People in love make me want to vomit
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
