I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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