just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
