I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
