just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
