I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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