My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
