She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
