Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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