How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
