I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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