If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
