That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
