if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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