flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
