if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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