He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
