pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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