Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The uberlube is also flammable
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
