If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
