you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
