I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
