It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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