i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
