I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
