ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
