Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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