just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
And then he peed in my hair
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