she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
