I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
