she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
