You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
