My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
