I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
