I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
