I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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