I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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