What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
